“I waited six years to get to where I want to be” – Hugh’s story

A stock photo has been used on this blog at the request of the author. 

After experiencing severe depression, Hugh was hospitalised several times, lost his flat and had to stay in a care home. Now living in Rethink Mental Illness’ supported housing, Hugh is the happiest and healthiest he has ever been.

Before Station Grove

I’ve had three major depressive episodes in my life. The first was in 2008 when I broke my hand really badly and had to have a four hour long operation. Funnily enough, I didn’t know it was depression - I thought they’d given something to me in hospital because I couldn’t make my mind work properly when I came home. I was living with my mum at that point.

Eventually a GP diagnosed me with depression. Once I got the right medication, it cleared up. But then my mum died in 2012 and the depression came back again. I realised what it was this time, the same symptoms. I had to go into hospital for seven months because there was no one at home to assist me whilst I was recovering. Both of these episodes took 12 months to recover from.

Everyone said that after going through my mum’s death, nothing would ever touch me again. But during lockdown in 2020, I had to change address on a very short notice. I was actually living in a bed and breakfast for 7 years since leaving hospital. They sold the place very quickly. A friend knew of accommodation at the top floor of a pub, so I moved in. When I woke up there the following morning, it felt like I was unreal.

A sudden shock or trauma seems to bring it on. One moment you’re functioning normally and within 24 hours, you start getting suicidal thoughts. It being lockdown, I rang a helpline who prescribed medication I was on 7 years ago. Because I became so unwell so quickly, I couldn’t get out to get it. So, the 18 months I was there, I was just going down and down. I was constantly suicidal. I wasn’t eating properly. 

I spent a whole day once by a place known for people to take their lives. I was there from 7 in the morning until 9 at night. It was a freezing cold January day. My mobile phone never worked again because it got rained on. My hands were so cold, I didn’t think I’d get the circulation back.

The landlady saw the state of me and the flat in a terrible condition. She rang an ambulance to take me to A&E. The doctors said that I’d lost a lot of blood. I think it must’ve been because of the malnutrition; I hadn’t looked after myself. In fact, I was so weak, I couldn’t even walk five minutes to the convenience store. By this time, I was dishevelled. I had a beard and really long hair. I used to go out at night with my hood up so no one would see me.

The hospital said I had to have an immediate blood transfusion. I knew I was weak but  didn’t think it was life threatening. I was in for 9 weeks and had to have three blood transfusions in total. During the 9 weeks, the landlady had to give the flat to someone else. I didn’t have anywhere to go.

I still wasn’t well enough to look after myself, so they sent me to a care home. I’d only just turned 60 and thought: crikey, I’m already in a care home, this really is the end of the road. There was a reclusive man there whose name I recognised. It turned out we used to play football together when we were teenagers. How weird: we’d never have guessed at 15 or 16, that we’d be opposite each other in a care home when we were 60.

It took until just before Christmas for the medication to start working and for the suicidal thoughts to go. It’s very subtle the way the medication works, but it felt like I was being reborn. When I have depression, it feels like I’ve got a terminal illness. Each morning you wake up, thinking you’re going to die; that you have a death sentence. When the medication starts to work and I start to feel brighter again, it’s like I’ve been given a second chance at life. 

Finding Station Grove

I was in the care home for 14 months. They then started looking at flats for me in the local area. My social worker said there was somewhere called Station Grove, a supported living place. I wasn’t so sure about it, to be honest.

But when it came to seeing Station Grove, I thought it wasn’t too bad actually. Station Grove was an old house turned into six brand new independent flats. I didn’t think I’d be able to go to the independent flats immediately, but the idea was to come straight here. And I haven’t really looked back.

It’s a lovely flat, the right size. Open plan and modern. Nice and quiet, very close to the town centre. Rethink Mental Illness has been absolutely brilliant. I just am the happiest I’ve ever been. It’s like I waited six years to get to where I want to be. I can’t really thank Rethink enough for that.

Theres a safety net and some support still, with the staff across the road. You see your support worker for one hour once a week. They check that you’re looking after yourself. When I was first here, we did shopping to get everything I need for the flat or ingredients for food. Every month, there’s a flat check – making sure the smoke alarm is working, checking the temperature of the water. There’s an emergency number you can ring over the weekend if required. 

I’ve reconnected with all of my friends. I’m quite involved with the church. I’ve got some little groups I go to. I like cooking new food and meet friends during the week - on Tuesday, I went to a restaurant with a friend. There are days when I just like to be here, to clean or listen to my digital radio that one of the staff gave me. In the Rethink service just opposite, there’s a lounge so when there’s social events, I’ll go over. The other week, we had bacon butties and went to play crazy golf.

Things have really taken off. They say I can stay here for as long as I like, for life if I want it. If I couldve waved a magic wand, this situation right now would be what I’d wished for. It’s just like I’ve got my life again. My family are so happy. They didn’t even know where I was for the 14 months living in a care home. But my two brothers have come to see the place and they love it.

I feel really healthy and happy. I can’t thank Rethink enough.