The White Lotus is full of the worst people you’ve ever met – and they’d be great fun at the gay bar. (HBO/Canva)
Your time at The White Lotus has almost come to an end, thank you for staying with us! Now, it’s time to head to the gay bar.
As season three of Mike White’s cherished eat-the-rich comedy The White Lotus comes to a close with Sunday night’s eagerly-anticipated finale (6 April), we’ve finally got a full picture of each of these rotten, rotten characters. Most of them (not you, Chelsea) are terrible, but we love them regardless.
That said, not all of these people would be much fun in the gay bar. Some of them love a drunken, debauched night out (even if it ends with them in bed with their brother!), while others are frankly clinging to life by their money-laundering fingertips.
As The White Lotus season three finale arrives, here’s a definitive ranking of how much fun each of these strange and sordid characters would be in the gay bar.
22. Timothy Ratliff (Jason Isaacs)
Tim Ratliff is just in the corner the whole night, spaced out, looking off into the distance, contemplating the end. Absolutely no fun whatsoever.
21. Saxon Ratliff (Patrick Schwarzenegger)
Horrible, horrible company in the gay bar. Saxon would gleefully mock people for, I don’t know, having blue hair. He’d moan that the DJ is playing Doja Cat; he wants to hear The Killers or Sean Paul. Would 100 per cent try and charm the club’s staunchest lesbian with the promise that he could “change” her. Go home!
20. Kate Bohr (Leslie Bibb)
Kate would reluctantly sip on a single white wine spritzer all evening, reminding you after every single drink to take it easy. She’d stay out of politeness, and when everyone else is six drinks in, she’ll clock a doll going into the women’s toilets. “I don’t know… can’t they have, like, transgender bathrooms?” she’d purr, irritatingly bashful to the last. Boot.
19. Greg (John Gries)
Greg (or Gary?) would be the one guy in the room you’ve met before on Grindr who turned out to serve pure catfish. A barer of untruths, a purveyor of falsehoods, a snake in the garden that is the gay bar. Oh! And a murder conspiracist.
18. Fabian (Christian Friedel)
If you’re having a night out with The White Lotus manager Fabian, just know you’re going to spend the entire time feeling completely and utterly unsettled.
17. Rick Hatchett (Walton Goggins)
You’re never quite sure whether this damaged man is where he is because he’s seeking to avenge the person who killed his father. If for some reason, said mystery person is in the gay bar, no one is having a good night.
16. Pornchai (Dom Hetrakul)
Pornchai is The White Lotus’s resident wellness expert, and it seems he takes his job fairly seriously, so I can’t picture him knocking back half a dozen rum and cokes. Would he bop? Sure, he’d bop. But you’re probably not having the best night of your life with him (unless you’re Belinda).
15. Gaitok (Tayme Thapthimthong)
Look, Gaitok seems like a lovely, caring man who I would love to have as a friend. But I don’t think he’d be the first person I’m calling up for a night at Dalston Superstore. I would say he could come along as our security, but he’s not great at that either really?
14. Zion Lindsey (Nicholas Duvernay)
The exact same aura as hanging out with your straight colleague’s straight friend that you maybe met once in 2019. At least he’s fit though.
13. Valentin (Arnas Fedaravicius)
Very straight-man-enjoying-gay-attention vibes from this one. He’s hot! He knows he’s hot. He’d probably spend all evening promising to give his fawners “massages” and saying things like “I’m really great with my hands” etc. He’d be up for a good time and can clearly handle his drink, but I think he’d get real annoying real quick. Plus, he’ll probably sleep with your f*ghag.
12. Frank (Sam Rockwell)
He’ll start the night off as a straight and stone cold sober king, in the smoking area telling you the most f**king insane story you’ve ever heard in your life. At some point, you’ll catch the “sober” Frank downing a vodka Red Bull, and he’ll admit it’s not his first. From then on, drinks are on him. At a later point, you’ll catch the “straight” Frank necking on some guy who looks suspiciously like him, and he’ll admit it’s not his first. From then on, the gay bar’s revellers are in him.
11. Mook (Lisa)
This queen knows how to entertain! She’s ambitious, driven, and can move to a beat: all great qualities in the pursuit of getting sh*tfaced. Let’s hope the DJ has some BLACKPINK.
10. Chloe (Charlotte Le Bon)
A night out with Chloe is going to end with something illegal. Thrilling in the moment, but not so great for your job prospects, relationships, or criminal record.
9. Pam (Morgana O’Reilly)
Not a cell phone in sight. Just people enjoying the moment.
8. Victoria Ratliff (Parker Posey)
I know, I know, Victoria Ratliff not being top five is controversial. But hear me out: I think Victoria is going to be faaaaabulous company at the pre-drinks, guzzling her little white wine and advising all our friends on their choices in life and love, but I think she’d be tapping out at 11. She’s got hands to moisturise, pills to pop (and not the Charli XCX kind) and booze-induced sleep to get to. But make no mistake, until 11, she’s gonna be the most fascinating, problematic white woman you’ve ever met.
7. Chelsea (Aimee Lou Wood)
Don’t get me wrong, I’d sever a finger or toe for a night out in the gay bar with the actual Aimee Lou Wood. But Chelsea would be that friend harping on about her Dementor boyfriend while you’re just trying to do the “Hot To Go” dance. A lickle bit of a vibe killer. Get a few tequila shots down her though, and she’d be a hoot. More sapphic kissing coming up!
6. Jaclyn Lemon (Michelle Monaghan)
Yeah, you’re gonna have fun with this lady. Is she probably gonna say something to get on your nerves? Yeah. Is she maybe gonna try and snag the bisexual man you’ve had your eye on? Sure. Are you gonna overhear her slagging you off when you’re in the loo and she’s popped in to retouch her makeup? Absolutely. But all in all, she’s gonna be up for a good time. She can go until sunrise if she wants, she loves a niche pop girlie (I feel like Jessie Ware’s What’s Your Pleasure? changed her life), and plus, she’s got money. Drinks on her I fear!
5. Piper Ratliff (Sarah Catherine Hook)
This diva has a suicidal con for a father, a lothario loser for an older brother, a younger brother who maybe wants to sleep with her, and a mother who DOESN’T HAVE HER LORAZEPAM. Piper Ratliff is pent up and ready for a release. This girl doesn’t need Buddhism, she needs a white wine and a whiff of poppers.
4. Laurie Duffy (Carrie Coon)
The only downside a night out with Laurie is maybe she doesn’t know when to stop. But until then, it’s the sort of tits-out, pool-jumping, beer-from-the-nozzle type of night out you only usually see in David Guetta music videos. Everyone is having fun, whether they want to or not. We’re all going to kiss strangers and forget about our miserable pre-cocktail lives. Yeah, she might pull you up on you antics tomorrow, but who cares? That’s tomorrow!
3. Belinda Lindsey (Natasha Rothwell)
Look, I know Belinda is in Thailand to learn all about wellness and blah blah blah. But she knows that I know that she knows how to have a good time. Plus, the last few years of her life have been inordinately stressful; our good sis deserves a night on the town. Hand her a cocktail and watch as the “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” choreography unravels!
2. Sritala Hollinger (Lek Patravadi)
The life and soul of the party, Sritala would be on the stage, belting out “Abracadbara” by Lady Gaga, waving around a feather boa or something. She’d act like a queen and be treated like one in return, the gays flocking to her like she’s the Mayhem Ball.
1. Lochlan Ratliff (Sam Nivola)
Oh, this cheeky little freak. He’ll kiss anything that moves, regardless of gender or familial relation, and is just up for running with whatever everyone else wants to do. Whether the bar plays Steps or Shygirl, he’s happy. Whether he’s on beer or Baby Guinness, not a problem. Afters? Count him in. He’s just there to vibe and maybe jerk off a loved one.
The White Lotus season three finale airs on Sunday 6 April on HBO in the US and Monday 7 April on Sky Atlantic and NOW in the UK.
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